Home TECH NEWS I’m Brood X Cicada. You are a horny human.We are different

I’m Brood X Cicada. You are a horny human.We are different

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Editor’s note: In the eastern United States, trillions Brood X Cicada emerges from the ground, Just as millions of Americans walked out of their homes and enjoyed relaxing Covid-19 restrictions. Many people like this parallel. WIRED commissioned a cicada to shoot.

What has six The leg, after being quarantined in its own anal fluid for hundreds of millions of years, will it reappear and want to become bones all summer? You, you vaccinated the horned dog, took off the dirty sportswear exoskeleton, crave sex, brunch and spiked soda, so that you almost grew extra limbs.

Well, the anatomically correct answer is me, a Brood X cicada. Me me me me me——You will hear me singing throughout the summer, if you notice my drift, I try to insert my adaegus into every sperm sac on the trunk of the maple tree.After 17 years of living in the dust, psychedelic Fungus is Taking away the lower part of my body, and somehow supernova my libido, I am going to hit one or a few hundred. But I see you, the vaccinated person, miss you Be me: post your thirsty trap, Flex your pectoral muscles, And so actively pouring into dating apps that some public health researchers predict Venereal monsoon inside Summer of love after vax.

Let us figure out one thing: Just because I am also hungry does not mean that I am your hero.I am grateful for the attention after so many years underground-I think Matthew Perry must have felt it Back to friends put This is the first time since 2004-but I am not an overstimulating spirit animal, the patron saint of white boy summer.I asked you to steam me into your broccoli soup earlier, or Stir me into your guacamole Rather than becoming the mascot of the pound town parade after the pandemic. You and me, man, we are not the same.

I know what you are thinking: Why should I listen to Cicada’s advice?After all, I haven’t appeared since Omarosa was lost. apprentice Usher’s “Burn” is a summer song. After spending 15 months taking notes from Fauci, your governor, and your mother, you may feel that the last thing you need now is to be taught by insects. But this is exactly what you need, you excited, wingless mob. The analogy ends here.

On the one hand, you are at the top of the food chain, and I can only sip plant juice. Even serious scientists compare the cicada to “All you can eat tree prawns. “ now you Kimmel Before I am eaten by squirrels, robins, dogs, or you, I would joke about how cicadas are a good pork substitute, and I must be busy digging out as much as I can if I can. s things.

Despite your sudden fascination, we have been doing this for 40 million years without any problems.On the other hand, you guys have tried the summer sex feast for about four minutes and have A stranger hell Than cicada sex. That’s it A magical thing happened to us: men-for the boys! ——Squeeze their abdominal muscles so tightly that their screams are louder than the Hoobastank concert. This is our only pick-up line and it has hardly achieved moderate success.If the woman doesn’t Flung us off with their wings in disgust, We spent more than an hour and barely moved. Sometimes raccoons will eat us when we are drowsy, otherwise we die almost immediately after drowsiness. (To read the steaming beach, see page 347 by ecologist John Cooley Overview of how we close.) At the same time, your mating ritual is included in Photos on huge phones, And then ask the people in the photos which pharmaceutical company’s vaccine they got-as a pick-up line! How romantic.

I hope I will not get out like a sex rod in the mud-come to think of it, this is a good place for cicadas to do things. You won’t find me denying that love is love, because I stomped my partner’s eyeballs with all six of my tickling things, and the white spore plugs I used to put on my ass ate me alive. But what you care about in this post-vax summer is not love. This is on par with the psychosis caused by fungi.

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